"You're like our best friend, our blessed virgin Mary, our apple eating Eve, our mother superior, our first time, our ex girlfriends, the womb we crawled out of and our big sister."
Spoken to me by Caleb, oldest of a silly clan of brothers.
It's a great deal facetious and yet speaks a little more truth than I am comfortable with.
This has always been me. Vital to their lives in that comfortable memory filling way. I'm a constant, some feminine smile in their life that will be there tomorrow as it was today.
It's not a bad thing at all. In fact, I was a little flattered. But one day I will fail or fade out of this role and nothing, not even my refusal to ever leave some love started will keep things the same.
One day I will only be a memory and I will mourn the death of my reign as the woman in their lives. They will marry. They will move. They will at least date someone. Most likely it will be marry. And that woman will ever after be the woman in their lives. And that's completely natural, right? I mean, I actually think it is.
Which makes me believe that it's me that is not normal. I am sad when these relationships fade, when my time is up, my love no longer wanted or needed. I am deeply wounded and it has taken years to let go of some of them.
Maybe this is why women long for children- little bodies to love, that even when big, still belong to them. Maybe this is why the pain of a broken parent-child relationship is so searing and aching.
All I know is, I don't want to fade out of all of their lives. I am longing for one to call me home.
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1 comment:
You could never fade firefly. I love this piece and I love the men who hold you dear and precious. You are those things and also, for me you are warm freckles on summer shoulders and shining eyes like coney island waves. I miss you and that won't change.
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