There is so much life in pain- so much that I have never regretted a moment of it. Maybe been nauseous and ashamed and hated myself for it. And yet, that searing, the part where my muscles rip a little and my bruised flesh gets bumped.. my eyes open a little wider.

Because this city terrifies me.

The Empire was not asleep. That city never slept. It was uncomfortably watchful. There was shit or there was manna. And there was nothing in between. The city waded through sin and bathed itself in its own feces, but where there was light- it was undeniable. The lights and holy water were so pure and strong, anything they touched brought a reaction. Woke up the dead parts, or angered them into war.

Simple. Those asleep or dead, slept in the dark. When the light turned on, and the flood gates loosed, they awoke.

This city terrifies me. She's sleeping with the lights on. Curled up under the sun and the bright light doesn't wake her. Pour water over her head and she yawns. She's asleep on the pews for Christ's sake. And how do you wake up a stupid beast that can't tell light for dark or shit from manna? She's guzzling unleavened bread, thick with yeast, and stumbling to the altar to close her eyes.

And so, my knees shake and my stomach turns.
I have crawled into the belly of a beast and my eye lids have started to droop.


This is why I like pain, even a stupid beast won't sleep through a prick in its ass, or worse, teeth sinking into its neck. There are wolves prowling, and I'm glad to have been caught now and then. Their bite is not easy to forget, and even once the pain fades, I have scars.

So God help me, I will not lie down. Old scars are aching, and my bones are groaning. It hurts, but I thank you that it hurts too much to sleep.