laid bare.

It's one of those evenings, one of those days. The heartless ones that have ripped at me limb from limb, pulled my hair, hit the low spots, and scratched at my slowly healing scars. These are the days I am overcome with rawness, facing that fact that I FEEL more than anything. I am not numb, not apathetic, not even loosely lukewarm. My heart is seared, leaned upon, stretched, tight, torn, and wide open for every blow it takes. It's wandering, my heart. My heart.. it's pacing and gnawing and grumbling and groaning. And to what end? WHY? It wants you. I want you. And now, I will be still. I will loosen my grip on the control I obsess over. I will untie the fetters I have wound up around my desires. They are yours.

If you know me at all, you know I show my heart in the wetness of my tears. Pretty constantly. In fact, I've probably cried in your arms. I have long dealt with a vehement hate of it, this weakness, this plague. Why can't I gain composure in the midst of strangers? Why, for one moment of my life, can I not convincingly lie and tell you that I'm ok if I'm not? My face always betrays me. And why, for that matter, why do I cry every damned moment?I retract that, those moments aren't damned. In fact, all YHWH seems to tell me is that he delights in my brokenness. Well, that's great. You've got plenty of brokenness to love.

And I'm not some miserable wretch. Life is abundant, ya feel me? Probably not. I can only say my heart feels more than I can articulate. In all spectrums. Quiet intense joy, overwhelming ecstacy and delight. Wrenching pain and despair. Calm somber sorrow. And all points between.

So my heart can break hundreds of times a day. Some days it does, some days it doesn't. And today it was a wreck. The burden of this city is nearly more than I can handle. And am I beloved? Delighted in? Who are you, Creator of the Universe? Who are you, breaker of my heart and mender of my soul? WHO ARE YOU silent ear in the sky? Who are you YESHUA, holding me tightly? YESHUA, JEHOVAH, YHWH, EL ELYON, HAKKADOSH, EL HASHEM.

Do you know how many names you have? Endless. Of course you do- you are the holder of those names. All things infinite, infallible, great, Holy, Mighty, all things.. I only know that I'm enthralled by you, captured by you, wanting you. Who will listen to my many cries but you? No man can hold my brokenness like you.

Yet I long for the man that will hold my wholeness. That which will have been healed by you. I long for the image of your Love that will caress the tenderness you have given me. Who will hold firmly my hand in a dazzling commitment to absurdity and love. Who will tear through life with me, wander the ugly places with me, fight the dark closets with me, hold the wretched with me, know the wanting with me, feed the hungry, call the aimless, love the untouchable things of this world and all measures of pride and folly in between.

I sit and marvel at who you are. My heart is overwhelmed by your compassion. I am terrified and in awe of your majesty. And softened by the wealth of love you lavish upon me. What else can I do but reflect it? Yet there is a constant shadow with me, a whispering in my ear of my depravity. You have no claim to love and life and joy, it hisses. You have no right to fight for Truth you who fail to bare your honest soul before men. You have trampled His name, see!? Run from his presence, you are of no worth!

Well be damned liar. For I believed you and I tried to run and it mattered not. I cannot run from the presence of my YHWH. Though He is the HOLIES OF HOLIES I cannot lose myself to him. He has found me. He has claimed me. Worthy? In all my power I am absolutely not. But He wants me, through Christ I have been vindicated. You see me for what you created me as. You see my heart, you know my ways, you know how far I have fallen- and you love me. How dare I reject your love. How dare I turn you away. And it's 3:29 AM now and I'm quieted by you. Tears are softly falling now, my breathing has slowed. Here is where I have asked for your peace, and here you have given.

And what am I to do with this?